T hese last days have been the most difficult of my life. More difficult then the pain associated with growing up a child of divorce, more difficult then any physical discomfort I have ever felt – and I have endured daily rather intense back pain for nearly 5 years. In Jeremiah’s death God has shown me many things. I have found myself in more dire straights then I ever thought I could be in my life. I believe that I may have experienced what many people deal with their entire lives…and that, I am beginning to believe, may be just where God wanted me to be while walking through this valley I have awoken to find myself in.

A lisa has written to you about the story of Jeremiah’s life and death and her walk but I intend to write for myself, for Alisa to read what I am feeling and for my living children as they grow up so that they may read of some of the feelings and lessons I have gleamed from enduring this pain. My hope is that they will see a part of their father that they never did and know that I was even more human then they thought and relied more on God then they already knew.

J ust tonight I went into Jeremiah’s room, or what was to be his room, and just looked around. I looked at the shelves I had made and the wainscoting I had put up at his mother’s request. Oh how I didn’t want to do that project but how I would do it over and over again to have Jeremiah in his crib. I looked at the empty crib and saw a visible picture of the small piece of my heart that is missing. I place my hope and trust in Jesus Christ and His victory over death - that in the days, weeks, months and years to come that God will fill that hole in my heart with the balm that only He can provide…with life that only He can give. I long for this world to end now like I never have before.

T here is nothing like tragedy, which we will all face at some level and at some point in our lives, to force you to see parts of yourself that you thought were all squared away. As a confident, outgoing man I have found my God-given ability to fix things and solve problems to be a powerful asset in maneuvering through life. God has granted me much favor in this ability but oh how easy it is to forget that we are in fact in control of very little. When we arrived at the hospital that Sunday night, April 30th, I found myself wanting something from God…a plea that was so intense that it is only eclipsed one other time – by the emotion of looking at Jeremiah in the incubator two nights later and wanting desperately for him to move and cry. But alas, God did not see fit to grant us this child past the womb. And so part of my journey through this earthly life was to stand by my wife and hold her while she wailed as only a mourning mother can…and not be able to fix it. To find my abilities short of the mark required. I remember standing there holding on to her and thinking “I cannot fix it, I just can’t fix it….” – oh how we are reminded that we are not God when we cannot control, when we cannot fix things. I pray that this crucial principle will remain at the forefront of my life as I journey on towards the end of my days. In these last few weeks I have been reminded violently that I cannot fix all things, that I cannot swoop in and save the day every time. That is a hard lesson to face when you have found such fulfillment in being able to fix things and solve problems.

N ot being able to fix things was hard…but nothing like the next thing…

L aying your child down in a hospital room and walking away never to see them in this lifetime is just not right. There is a part of you that feels guilty but not like the guilt of feeling bad about doing something bad. No, the kind of emotion I felt was like I had left a part of myself in that room – it was just unnatural. And in a sense it is unnatural more so than just a feeling. Death is not what we were created for – no, we were created for life, a life that is focused on God and God alone. A life that is devoted eternally to worshipping the only One worthy of honor and praise – God Himself. Death is the physical reminder that we are separated from that unless Jesus Christ has restored us into this relationship. At that point we begin the journey of restoration that culminates in us being redeemed and standing before Him in our glorified bodies worshipping the Creator and Sustainer of all.

S ince we left the hospital on May 3rd I have had some tough days. Now I know that sounds sort of like a “duh” statement but emotionally I am a tender-hearted but strong man. I have found myself in places emotionally where I have never been before. These days have been ones filled with feelings of depression – again, something I have never before experienced. Depression, as I have felt it, is a bizarre emotional state in that I have found myself feeling aimless. I was, and typically am, a goal-oriented, driven person and in the past weeks I have had days where I didn’t care much what got done; what happened in the future didn’t matter much to me either. That is a weird place to be…thoughts of “nothing matters” don’t make sense inherently because things do matter…I have a wife and three other living children that need me every day and that need me to be alert to provide and care for them now and in the future. But now I believe that I can better walk alongside someone who struggles with similar thoughts of depression if only because I have conjured them up myself. Aimlessness about the future and what I have found myself feeling inside gnaws at me frequently these days so I force myself to remember the things I used to be focused on and care about – goals I used to have…focus on those and take steps to make them happen even if I don’t necessarily feel like it.

T hat is the advice I got from my mentor – cling to the promises in God’s word. Cling to what you know even when it doesn’t seem like they are true.

I have also found myself in a state of complete exhaustion even when I haven’t done much of anything physically. Again that may seem like another “duh” statement to some of you and to others you may even be relating right now.  Being someone who is driven I have always been able to go on little sleep. I feel charged when I am getting things done and have lots going on but these days I  feel that way infrequently. I am trusting that God will bring me back, somewhere close, to where I was before – I know there were things about me that needed to be improved but I liked who I was then – I liked being a part of ministering to others and helping them find clarity in the fog of life…but these days I don’t find myself able to do that much at all. I feel like I am constantly in retreat – I pray I don’t have to stay here long.

T he other thing I have wrestled with is a feeling of inadequacy. I have never felt the emotion of not being up to the task. I have been nervous about a job or task many a time but always knew deep down that I could make a good run at it and that if it didn’t work out it would be OK. I am a confident person generally. But I have found myself a handful of times in a place emotionally where I had to come to grips with the fact that people saw me as needy and not able to get something done. Gripped with an emotion that borders on screaming out of fear that I will be viewed as weak and not reliable…a bad place to be for people that are made like me…I know God wants me to see something in this – I am just not sure yet.

M y little Jeremiah was taken from me before I could feel his breath on my neck, before I could change a diaper of his or give him a bath. I still can’t believe that it happened to us, if I am honest. I was mowing the lawn today and had a “surely it can’t have happened” feeling as I drove the lawn tractor by his memorial rose garden. But, sadly it has happened. I pray that as we recover and move back into some semblance of life as we knew it that I will be “reborn” into the person that Christ intends me to be… “changing from glory to glory” – better able to minister to others as we all journey through this broken world on our way into the very presence of Christ himself.